This article was originally published in The Daily Pulp on July 24, 2013.
In a stunning moment, at 11:12 p.m. last night, magic occurred when all wishes made at 11:11 p.m. came true. An overwhelming majority of benefactors were teenage white females, mostly residing in suburban areas across the country.
The good fortune, which has elated many, has people raving that magic is real.
“I got an urgent phone call from admissions at my dream school telling me I had gotten in!” exclaimed Sarah Daniels, a varsity cheerleader from High Point, N.C. The admissions officer apologized to Sarah, saying that she was “totally awesome” after reviewing her recent tweets as she commentated that Amanda Bynes is “…completely cray! LOL! #getoverit.” Daniels will attend UNC-Chapel Hill in the fall and plans to major in public relations.
“This is terrible,” remarked Steven Vance, the Homecoming king at Lincoln High School in Silver Lake, Kan., who now has seven steady girlfriends. (People born under the horoscope Aries sign are friendly and physically vigorous.) Vance has had to take on three summer jobs to afford movie tickets and extra text messages for his cell phone data plan. There is a bright side for the 6-foot-tall, athletic Vance, however, as MTV is rumored to have offered him a reality show tentatively titled “16 and on Antidepressants.”
Others, over 8 million, simultaneously won the Powerball lottery and will reportedly split the winnings—approximately $20 apiece.
“I’ll probably buy a new bathing suit so I can look hot on my family’s beach vacay next week,” noted Michelle Gilbert of Fairlawn, Ohio, when asked how she would spend her winnings via an e-mail follow up from The Daily Pulp.
So far there have been no reports of a cure for cancer, world peace or food for the starving children in Africa.
Cover photo archived from original web layout: http://the-daily-pulp.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Excited-Girls.jpg.