But for years, the music industry has missed the mark on really capturing my demographic in the most efficient way. The demo is simply scattered all over the place: country, acoustic rock, whatever dubstep is. Diversity in music, who needs it? Ugh! It’s time to let the cat out of the bag. Below are the elements needed to compose the perfect white person jam.
You’re welcome, music industry. Consider this reparations for Napster.
1. Make Up Words
MmmBop is now a part of the lexicon (and by association, be-dippy-dop-ba-doooo). See also, any song by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
2. Hand Claps
White people love this! The less soulful, the better. Sharp, well-produced, simple claps go a long way. Look no further than the Friends theme song by the Rembrandts. You’ll also get bonus points with white people if you mention that you enjoy the band Clap Your Hands And Say Yeah! You’ll know when he/she indeed claps his/her hands and says, “Yeah!” …and then misses a high five.
3. Break the Five Minute Mark
“November Rain,” “Stairway To Heaven,” 98% of the Phish catalogue.
4. Vague Metaphors
…Particularly about the ocean, but that almost feels too easy at this point. Stars, also white person jam gold. Dave Matthews really broke through some walls with “Satellite,” but remember: ocean and stars, ocean and stars. Did I just write a hit single?! Looking at you, Coldplay!
5. Ripping Guitar Solo
A.K.A. The Guns ’n Roses Law. If you really do your job here, you’ll end up on the next incarnation of Guitar Hero, double white people points! Well played.
6. Be From England
The Beatles, Rolling Stones, U2, Oasis — oh God, if I hear one more crap version of “Wonderwall,” I will promptly sabotage all of your Brita filters.
7. Make It A Dance!
Really corner the white market by making your song into a silly dance! Hook ‘em while they’re young at those middle school dances, and you will live in nostalgia forever: “Cotton Eye Joe,” “The Electric Slide,” “The Macarena,” whatever that guy from Korea did that broke the Internet — Caucasian domination, baby!